Wanna fight?

The main difference between my husband and I is that I internalize every little thing while he externalizes his rage over, oftentimes, absolutely nothing.  While I will feel badly about something I've done (or even something I haven't done), he is always angry about what he perceives is being done unto him.  Though I've always known this, he made it abundantly clear today while he shouted:

All this suffering is because

they have wished it upon me; 

I am cursed -- 

It really comes down to taking responsibility for your own actions.  While I do not wish unto him (or anyone for that matter) the responsibility I feel for every little thing, I do wish he would stop complaining about everything and blaming everyone for each little inconvenience in his life.

For the millionth time, he told me he just wishes he could die.  While I am no stranger to the feeling, I am also painfully aware that I am the master of my own misery.  If I am on an upswing or I am feeling really rough, I know that only I can change the way my life, my day, or even my moment is going.

We are all responsible

to create

our own

happiness -- 

You know that person who complains all the time but never does anything to change his situation?  Yes, of course I love my husband and want to be there for him to hear about his day and to let him get that work drama off his chest.  However, there comes a time where the monotonous complaints are so regular that I get tired of hearing them.

Either you take steps to change or you grin and bear it.  Of course I feel badly that my husband is unhappy, but I am also upset that he brings all that unhappiness into our home.  If it's that bad, why isn't he doing something to change it?  Making one call for an interview and not following up is not enough.  He has so many complaints but does nothing to better himself or situation.

The reason to be in love with someone

is that when nothing else goes well

they make everything worth it -- 

So what am I here for?  If you don't work as hard as you do and deal with as much drama as you do to be able to come home to my open arms, then what's the point?  If I am not worth it, then what's the point?

Though I have digressed slightly from my original intent when I started this post, it all boils down to one thing:

Why does my husband constantly want to fight?

We have been married so long that I have learned what does not work when he is in a rage.  Unfortunately, however, it seems like nothing works.  You know when you're in a bar, and there's that one guy who's angry and doesn't care with whom or about what, but he's staring people down waiting for someone to say something to start a fight?  That's how I feel with my husband.

I've learned that removing myself to the other room and staying away from his rage is the best way to avoid an argument.  Cruel words and pride aside, I am done with the codependency.  I am done with the fight.

But my husband seems like that guy in that bar that just wants to fight.  He will swear at me from another room, slam doors, and break things that he knows are sentimental to me.  I know he is trying to get a rise out of me.  But I don't understand where he wants to take it.

I'm not that guy in that bar, and I will not fight with him.

I will not 

be sucked

into his

tornado --

So what does he want from me?  On the off chance that he does get a rise out of me, and I do ask him what the hell he expects from me he tells me to leave him alone.  So why is he so clearly trying to provoke me?  Sometimes I want to just ask him:

Wanna fight?

xLoJu